2023 was so uncharacteristically good that I knew 2024 was going to be rough — but I didn’t know just how much I would lose. I expected to cave in and get the surgery I needed, sure. What I didn’t expect was that it would be because I was mourning a loss.
This post isn’t the usual mix of glitter, makeup, and lipstick swatches. It’s raw and personal. Normally I stay private, but enough people have been asking because I stayed offline and distanced myself from anything social. We’re talking about death, grief, gallbladders, and major surgery.
But if you’re here because you care, or you’ve been through some shit, or you’re facing something similar and want to know what to expect — this two-part series is for you.
Part 1: Therapy, Losing my mother-in-law — how grief collided with everything.
Part 2: Gallbladder disease, emergency surgery, and the long road back to feeling human again
When I first started therapy, it wasn’t because of the surgery or even my MIL’s passing — that all came later. It was because of everything. I should have started therapy decades ago, my parents should have put me in there after their divorce. My entire life has been a slow build of unprocessed trauma, abandonment, family dysfunction, and the kind of emotional whiplash that makes you question your own self-worth. Through therapy, I uncovered a lot about what happened to me in the past. I was able to give names to the dysfunction that was caused from people from multiple areas in my life. Narcissistic Abuse, Emotional Neglect, Psychological Abuse, Boundary Violation, Coercive Control and even Sexual Assault as much as I hate to admit it… and all of that gave me CPTSD. For which I was officially diagnosed. Let’s not to forget to mention the death of my own mother in 2011. That single event being the most traumatic of all! Having going through all of that, it amazes me that people still have the audacity….the fucking audacity to treat me the asshole way they do.
A few things happened that was the final push for me to seek a therapist. I had been talking to a friend whom is a therapist, but I couldn’t treat her as my therapist, it would be taking advantage of her. So I make the decision to finally talk to one that I actually paid. I had a huge anxiety spike when a relative from the family I am in No-Contact with tried to creepily reach out to me. They have no idea how unsafe they make me feel. Finally, my Mother-In-Law, who had been having major health problems tried to end it all because her declining health was too much for her. I needed a professional to guide me through my current trauma and past.
In 2023, I was on my second therapist, but had little to report as my current drama was not much of an issue. We went over my past, but everything currently had been going fairly well. Boy, did that change in 2024! However, my therapist left the platform in late 2023, so I was left without having a therapist to speak to. I found it re-traumatic to go over everything yet again with a whole new person, so I didn’t continue. Since then, I have been doing my own research.
When I married, I found a family who accepted me just as I was. No cruelty, no controlling, no violating anyone, no putting people on the back burner… they wouldn’t dream of of it! It was the first time I experienced what family could be when it wasn’t built on fear or manipulation. Our families had their parallels. We both grew up with Chinese mothers who lived with brain damage, though from different causes. My mom had a brain tumor and suffered multiple strokes. His mom had polio and was later injured in a car accident. Both of our mothers developed more ailments throughout their lives. Mine eventually died in 2011, due to her brain tumor coming back for its final round.
Stress can cause your gallbladder to react in a terrible way. I noticed my very first symptom of gallbladder pain in November 2011, one month after my mother died. I felt what I thought was a cramp in the upper right side, just below the ribcage. I thought I injured myself, or had cramps and it would go away. For 10 more years I did not know it was gallbladder pain. I just ignored it because things usually just went away. In 2020, things took a turn and that very pain became more agonizing than ever, and it happened a lot more frequently. After seeing doctors and not getting any answers. My husband and I finally deduced… it was my gallbladder. And lo and behold, I brought it up with my Dr and got an ultrasound. I had gallstones.
My MIL has had so many health issues throughout her life that they all piled on in her advanced years. Mostly due to medications having side effects and having to take medications for those issues. She had an episode in late 2022, where it all seemed to catch up with her. The next year she showed a lot of improvement, but was still weakened from her experience.
Last year, MlL had a good day. She enjoyed her day at the casino, then later ate at her favorite Chinese restaurant. However, the next day, she was non-stop vomiting. I can tell you as someone with plenty of experience, nausea and vomiting is absolutely a symptom of a gallbladder attack. We spent a whole day in the ER, not knowing anything. The second day, she was transferred to another hospital, and the Dr learned that her gallbladder was full of sludge and about to burst. We had no idea she had gallbladder disease. That had been my thing, where I had to refuse food because of it. (They always forgot, even though I told them 10 billon times!) I was so shocked because we never knew and should have regulated her diet to avoid such fatty foods to prevent an attack. In the hospital, she was too weak to get anesthesia to remove it, so they had to drain her gallbladder instead. However, it didn’t solve the problem because she got too much fluid in her lungs, her already problematic kidneys were failing, and congestive heart failure on top of that. She was shutting down.
Generally, people don’t like to talk about death, but to prepare yourselves for this inevitable grief… maybe they should. Her mind was going, it was like it was someone else in her body speaking. Not everyone will do this, but it’s common for a dying person to become cruel and say mean things to their loved ones. This can be because of lack of oxygen, organ failure, infections and neurological conditions. It makes them confused and paranoid. They aren’t filtering out their thoughts like they would normally. I wasn’t at the hospital for it — my husband wanted to protect me — and I’m honestly glad. I don’t think I could’ve handled whatever she might’ve said. It is also very common for a dying person to have a moment of clarity, where you think they might pull through, and the next day they pass. A lot of hospice workers know this pattern. This is what happened with her.
Two hospitals, 10 days, a 4 hour-per-day commute, everything caught up to her and she died. There had been conversation of “what’s worse.” The suddenness and shock of mine, or the long drawn out suffering of my MIL. There’s no comparing because it’s not a contest. It’s just all terrible to have to go through.
I thought I was handling my emotions well. The last thing anyone needed was to comfort me. I need to take care of them, not the other way around. My therapist friend said I was in “damage control mode” which meant I was there to help them. The last thing I wanted was for anything to be about me. I don’t want the attention and it’s just not my way to have everything revolve around me! But I was in agony! I was not in the same emotional distress like when my mom died. I commented on how it didn’t feel the same at all and didn’t trigger any of those feelings. But my body was feeling otherwise. It let me know that I was suffering. After the funeral, was the start of my biliary colic 2-week hell.
I got so stressed out from her death that after the funeral, my own gallbladder called mutiny and started to betray me. I ate some Chinese food offered, which included fried food, oil, etc. That may have triggered that start of it. After the first attack, I went clean eating with NO fat (which is near impossible to maintain!) and I still had gallstone movements. I was terrified to eat! I learned it is not just fat consumption that triggers a gallstone attack, but stress can too. This is confirmed by a therapist friend, two doctors and two nurses I spoke with. This was not common knowledge! I had no choice but get that traitorous gallbladder out as soon as possible and it was a good thing I did.
I will go more into gallbladder disease, gallstones and cholecystectomy in the next part. I think if anyone were to Google about it, they would like the information, without my personal backstory.
It is completely normal for the bereaved to not be social while they grieve. Some people are extroverts and they need to be surrounded by people. Not everyone is the same. I am an INFJ. That means I am very introverted and in a specific way that makes me more private, though I value meaningful connection. INFJs are more difficult for people to read. So someone could be thinking, “omg she must be mad at me” meanwhile I am thinking, “Omg all of these terrible things are happening all at once and I am in physical pain.” So because they’re not exploring what I am thinking, they tend to go with their own thoughts and now I am a bitch. That fiasco makes me not want to deal with them. I already don’t like being around people, so me not being social is already pretty normal for me. After my mom died, I didn’t talk to anyone for months. People actually took that personal. That is their own ego complex that they need to address with their therapist.
My FIL has been grieving very hard, but he was open to family coming to visit. They had been a real great help! He had actually been declining with health issues, well before his wife passed. Since last year, started walking with a cane because of balance issues. Recently we confirmed that he now has Vascular Dementia due to multiple strokes he has been having over the years. (I used my medical degree to diagnose that one myself!*) This makes the 4th adult with a physical disability in my immediate circle. Not only are we going through a death, and me surgery recovery, but we have another ailing parent to take care of. It’s been a lot to deal with all at once, so with all of this going on, I’m not going to be as available as one might want me to be. It has taken its mental toll on me.
So that is why I had not updated my blog in a year. I just do not have it in me. I am still buying and wearing makeup. It’s just the writing, and connection I have no energy for. My Instagram accounts are deactivated. Not because of you, get that out of your head! I deactivated them in January because they lobbied against TikTok. TikTok has been a better platform for me to get eyes on my content and I wanted to show my support. Instagram had not been showing my content to users and it just wasn’t serving me. I was going to reactivate it, but I really don’t miss it at all! If it’s going to shadowban me, I might as well do without it.
If you have been suffering from gallstones, Part 2 should be an interesting read for you. I will talk about how I discovered it, how exactly it feels, my surgery and recovery. The one-year anniversary of me being sans gallbladder will be the 2nd week of June. It still feels recent, and I still have after-effects. But more on that on Part 2!
*Joke
** My TikTok is not available to view without an account. My account got flagged because the AI thought a campfire was a blunt and I was flagged for drugs. It’s too late to appeal, so I just have to deal with it.
